


Not okay

by LenaLuvsKara



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Depression, F/F, Nightmares, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21844261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LenaLuvsKara/pseuds/LenaLuvsKara
Summary: Lena has a nightmare about her childhood
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 1
Kudos: 65





	Not okay

When does it become all too much, is it when your hands start to shake at the sound of a slamming door, or is it when you almost bite your tongue in half because you swore you heard her voice? They tell you over and over that when you finally leave your childhood torment that the nightmares will end, and you will finally be free. But oh how wrong they are because you are far from free, it has been nearly six years and the fear and the pain are still oh so real and maybe it’s your fault really, because you still allow yourself to see her occasionally, I mean after all she is your mother, step mother but none the less and still after all these years you still want her love. 

You try to keep the fear at bay and not let anyone see your weakness or God forbid to see you fall, even your girlfriend of nearly six months doesn’t have a clue or at least that is what you think, because she is a superhero and superheroes damn well don’t need to see you fall apart, not even for a little bit, because you know deep down that if you fall, you won’t be getting back up.

So that is why tonight you tiptoe through the apartment that you share and hold your breath when the floor creaks beneath your feet, because she is sound asleep finally after fighting creatures that want to destroy there for at least the hundredth time and she doesn’t need to be wasting what precious sleep she can get on your little nightmare that had waken you from an almost peaceful sleep.

That is what you tell yourself at least when the voice in your head says it’s okay that you wake her up, because deep down you know she wants to chase away your fears and your nightmares with her love. But after all these months you still can’t believe that anyone would care about you, especially a Super, I mean after all you are a Luther with a brother that tried to kill her cousin, with a family that would be fine if all aliens were to just disappear. Even though you don’t share there believes and even though you could never hurt an innocent being whether they were human or not is out of the question, because in some ways you feel responsible for your families actions, almost like you were the one to commit the crime, maybe because that’s how you were always made to feel, like everything that happened was all because of you. 

You blamed yourself when your mother died, because you felt like it was your fault, and even though you were just a child and there was nothing you could have done, nobody told you otherwise and so you believed it was your fault for all those years. You were six years old and had been living with the Luthor’s for about six months when the first incident happened, even though your leg was broken in two places and you weren’t the one who pushed you down the stairs, it still was somehow your fault. It was your seventh birthday when you somehow fell from the balcony, everyone at the party turned their heads and ignored what was happening and later as you cried in pain, because treatment was sure to wait until after all these guests had left, your brother had told you “money makes everything go away!” and in that moment you had believed him and so the next time when you were nine years old and had taken a pretty brutal hit to the back, you didn’t bother to cry, not even when you could feel the blood dripping down your back. You became numb to the pain because in your mind it was your fault, you deserved it and, in the end, what did it even matter. 

You are lost in your thoughts as you feel the tears flow down your cheeks as you stand in the silence of the living room that is decorated in pictures of happy memories, you have a loving girlfriend, friends and maybe even people who would consider you family. But still despite all that love that you have now, you can still feel the burn or the iron against your back, you can still feel your bones break and you can still hear every hurtful word your adoptive family had spoken to you and in that moment it becomes too much, but before you can break, a soft voice whispers in your ear “You are save and you are loved and nobody will ever hurt you again!” and then you can feel her arms wrap around your body and feel her tears warm against your neck and that’s when you know that you are not alone, and you know that there will be days again where you feel like giving up, but you know that she will always be there to pick you up when you feel like falling apart.


End file.
